onlygirl

Today is November 14th 2009 and I am supposed to be fitting in to much smaller clothes by now.  In fact, I am supposed to have an entire new wardrobe because all of my “fat clothes” would surely be falling off of me by now!  The reality is, I keep losing and gaining the same 3 to 5 pounds.  Why can’t I just “do it”?  Why is it so hard?  How many times have I asked these questions?  Too many.  So now I will try to change the question to,  What am I unwilling to do?  I pondered that all morning.  The simple answer is : I am unwilling to go without the joy and comfort that food brings me.  What other answer could there be?  It seems I am unwilling to give up my love affair with food.  Further: What price do I pay for this unwillingness?  I don’t feel as good about myself.  I am not at a healthy weight.  I don’t even feel as good physically when I fall off the wagon.  Doesn’t make sense, does it?  I can only hope that actually putting this on paper and saying it out loud will make me realize how foolish my choices are.

You know how you are supposed to weigh yourself in the morn because that is when you weigh the least?  I have been noticing in the evenings my rings on my fingers feel much more loose than they do in the morn.  So this morning I woke up at 7:00 and weighed myself then again at 10:00.  The 10:00 weight was 1 pound less!  This seems to be a recent change for me. (I will weigh again tonight to see if it is even less)  Anyway, I know it could be a sign of edema but I have no other symptoms of concern.   Just wondering if anyone has experience, medical insight, or just a layman’s opinion.  Thanks

 Happy to report I have been on track.  Eating right exercising more - it is all making me feel so good about myself again.

I picked up my 8 year old neice and 6 year old nephew after school, as I do a couple of times a week.   They usually hang out here and play outside or with the neighbor kids.  But today, my neice said….let’s take a walk.  I was suprised. First time she requested that since a walk involved her in a stroller.  Okay, I said, where should we walk?(even though I was really tired)  She mentioned a nature preserve area with a trail thru the woods that leads you to a boardwalk along Michigan’s prettiest river. (I am partial)  I can rarely say “no” to her and… c’mon…it’d give me more points for MJ’s boot camp.  So we packed up like we were headed out on a safari.  It ended up being THE most enjoyable thing I have done in days.  Watching the kids take turns being the leader,(there was some minor shoving involved but it passed quickly), picking out leaves of different shapes, naming all of the colors we had seen, stopping and identifying sounds and smells. looking for fishies in the river, even singing Uncle Phil’s made up song, “Oh, dead fish in the river….”  It was all perfect.  I love how children, if you let them, can make you stop and remember what it is all about.  So, I guess this is just a simple ode to 2 wonderful kids that never stop filling my heart with gratitude and love…..(that is made even sweeter when it involves burning calories!) 

I just reread my last blog entry from over a week ago and realized I said I would be blogging for the next 10 days.  I lied…. well to be less melodramatic I actually started having headaches almost every day and it was all I could do just to get the basics done around here, so there was no energy or motivation to even visit the site.  I finally went to a highly recommended chiropractor who found a neck injury from my childhood that has been causing me all of this grief.  So I am pleased to report I am starting to feel much better.   Now to the “I quit”….  Again, I reread my blogs and for now I will not pressure myself with any of my own challenges, (15 day or other).  I have actually been doing quite well this week once I took a little pressure off of myself (and told hubby I will not engage in any social activity for a solid week that involves food!).  Thing have just fallen into place. I am staying at 1500-1600 cals and have been engaging in some form of exersize every day.  Historically, I am the type of person where once I have a few days of sucess under my belt I am able to more easily carry on and make good, healthy choices.  Let’s hope it proves true now!

At the end of day 4 (yesterday) I was disappointed in myself.  Went to a friends house for lunch and ate more than I should of.  I just didn’t feel like depriving myself.  That realization makes me sad.  I don’t think those thoughts and feelings will ever go away.  I think I can control them up to a point, but they will always be swirling around, taunting, threatening my weight loss success.  But as discouraged as I am I will not give up. (by the way I think I ate about 2000 calories yesterday)      Today(day 5) was better. I am at 1500 calories and did very strenuous yard work for most of the day.    My original  challenge was to go for 15 solid days without exceeding 1600 calories.  That has been blown.  I did not meet my challenge.  However I will still blog for the remaining 10 days and try to analyze what my pattern is and why I fall off the wagon much too frequently.  All in all, I am discouraged, but I know I can’t give up.

A little disappointed in myself.  As far as I can tell I think my calories are at about 1800 again.  It was difficult to know how many calories were in the food I ate.  I did stay away from desserts.   Anyway, I also only took a 20 minute walk today. (Had planned on a longer workout)   Am not pleased with my choices, let the day and it’s activities get away from me, but hope to make up for it tomorrow.  Heading to bed with a book (no cookies!)  

No literally….I spent 2 hours today moving dirt.  Hubby and I are putting in a new sidewalk and adding a parking pad, but we need to dig out some dirt where the pad will go.  I mention this because it figures in to my caloric intake for the day.   I did hit 1800 calories but will still count today a success because of the hard physical labor and a 30 minute after dinner walk.  Almost blew it today when my niece and nephew asked me to buy a small box of gooey,sinful ice cream bars.  They looked so good.  We were outside and the kids were chomping away with fudge dripping down their arms.  I went in the house opened the freezer door, read the calories (gasp…300 in one bar!)  I knew there was no way I could fit that into my meal plans for the day and also knew how all the sugar would drop me like a lead balloon in 1 to 2 hours so somehow I found the strength to walk away.  I am actually still surprized i didn’t inhale one of those babies.  There is only one left in   the  box so hopefully Hubby will eat it soon!  Going to bed soon and looking ahead to day 3.  Tomorrow will be a challenge….have a picnic to go to.  (YIKES!)

Okay, yesterday was to be my first day of my 15 day challenge.  Wouldn’t you know I woke up with a migraine that stayed with me all day and night.  I was so miserable I didn’t care about what I ate and was in bed most of the day with a pillow over my head.  So….i am giving my self a do-over ~ today is Day One.      It went quite well.  Woke up feeling fine made good food choices.  My exercise consisted of yard work.     I am right now at 1600 calories and will be going to bed in about 15 minutes, so Day One was a success.      Discovery: I found it interesting that in the afternoon I felt like I was craving something.  Scary food ideas were dancing in my head (cookies, big sloppy p.b. & j., etc.)   I decided to make a protein shake. (I found a good tasting protein powder at GNC )  I mixed one scoop with some frozen pineapple drank it up (yummy) and within 15 minutes felt full and satisfied.  Wasn’t really hungry again until around 6:30.   I’d like to think it was the shake….who knows if it will work the next time ~ we’ll see.  By the way, I don’t use protein drinks as a meal substitute (never worked for me) but as a between meal treat.  That’s why I worked so hard to find a good tasting one.    Anyway, am looking forward to tomorrow , hoping it goes as well as today.

My problem is this…. When I set a calorie goal I can successfully meet it but after about 5 to 6 days I begin feeling confident and allow myself a little treat, then another….then I have blown it and it takes me 3 to 4 days to get back on track.  So, I am challenging myself to go for 15 days straight.  Can I go for that many days in a row without exceeding my calories?  I know others do, so why can’t I?  I am setting my goal at 1600 calories a day. (Might sound a little high but I don’t want to set myself up for failure.) As it is, this might feel like the longest 15 days of my life! :)   I will also get at least 30 min. of exercise in 6 days a week.  I plan on simply blogging at the end of everyday to account for my food and exercise……might throw in a complaint or discovery here and there.  Tomorrow is day one..and I can do this!!!